‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the venue,
Not a creature was stirring, as I read the dessert menu,
The decorations were hung on the stage with care,
In hopes that the band members would soon be there!
My date and I had just been royally fed,
While visions of a good time danced in our heads,
And I in my dancing duds and the girl I just met,
Had just settled in to watch a four hour set!
When out in a parking lot, there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter,
Away to the door I flew like a flash,
To see a drummer and bassist, completely smashed!
They were unloading the equipment in the new-fallen snow,
From the van, which had traveled all the way from Fargo,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the rest of the drunken band, all swilling beers!
With a little old manager, so angry and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Nasty Nick,
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
And he bitched, and shouted, and called them all names!
“Now, DRUMMER! now, BASSIST! now KEYBORDS! and TRUMPET!
On GUITARIST! on SAX! on TROMBONE! and VOCALIST!
To the top of the loading ramp! To the top of the wall!
Get the equipment inside before you all fall!”,
And then, in a twinkling, I heard at the door,
The slipping and sliding as they fell to the floor,
As I gave them a hand and was turning around,
I had to wonder at how they might sound!
The lead singer was dressed in leather, from his head to his feet,
And his clothes looked very slept in, not at all neat,
A bundle of microphones he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack!
His eyes – how they twinkled! I was becoming quite wary,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry,
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
As he took another swig from his bottle of Old Crow!
He was staggering around as the band tuned up, way off key,
I laughed when I saw him, in spite of me,
With a wink of his eye and a flick of his hand,
The group blasted into a tune by some obscure band!
He sang not a word, but went straight to his mic,
Hoping he had picked a song the audience would like,
Then STOPPED the music just as it was getting noisy,
And announced “We’re in the wrong club, we’re supposed to be in Boise!”
They jumped back in their van, amidst jeers and whistles,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle,
But I heard them exclaim, ere they drove out of sight,
“HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!”
Hehee…and in response…
“Christmas-Eve Lament” (AKA The Night before Christmas)
‘Twas the night before Christmas, I tore through the house
Looked in each corner (discovered a mouse!)
Paper and ribbon were strewn everywhere
Cookies were cooling, sweet smells filled the air.
I ripped apart the pantry, the closets, the shelves
I mumbled and grumbled and cursed out the elves
On Dancer, on Prancer, on Comet and Vixen,
The dog scooped a cookie – GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!
I tore through boxes and bags until dizzy
Went out to the car, nearing a tizzy,
Discovered MY present hidden amongst tools
ANOTHER JUICE BLENDER? IS THIS APRIL FOOL’S?
I drove to the Wal-Mart – closed for the night
Others, just like me, were staring in fright
Rushed back to our cars, the screamin’ of tires
An Indy 500, code red and a fire!
Weavin’ and veering we fought for position
Number one lost a hubcap, car two a transmission
I passed them with glee as a light shone from heaven
There on the corner, a still-lit 7-11!
I drove over the curb and screeched into the lot
Behind me ten others with similar thought
I reached the door first and gave one mighty tug
“Sorry, we’re closed“, said the clerk with a shrug.
Like bees in a swarm with our motors still buzzin’
Parting shots of “You stink!†and “Go marry your cousin!â€
We raced out the exit, back onto the street
Pedal to the metal, a dead-line to beat!
Over a stop-sign and through the red light
Took out a hydrant as I made a right
I rounded that corner on two wheel like old Foyt
What a shame that my steering wasn’t near as adroit!
From out of no where sprang a furry red blur
A sled and 8 reindeer? I couldn’t be sure
My eyes shut in reflex, I hammered the brake
Ten others behind me, soon joined in the wake
We ploughed over hedges and up onto lawns
Eyes big as dollars, we thought we were gone!
And when the snow settled, a silence ensued
That furry red blur – was Santa Claus, dude!
Much to our relief he rose up from the scramble
He didn’t look jolly, he ranted and rambled
He harnessed the reindeer and stood up the sleigh
Beard full of pine-cones, he started away
Then suddenly, he turned, quick as a fox
“Is there anyone here, who DID read the box?â€
He called us by name, and without any flatteries
“You morons,†he shrieked, “I was bringing you batteries!â€
(And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of site –
“You’d think they’d remember, tonight of all nights!)