Funniest Musician Ad 2008

Just barely into 2008 I nominate this as the funniest musician ad. This is an actual listing off the Craig’s List website:

Hi my name is *name edited* and I am a Bluesman. I play a 1961 Fender Stratocaster which is all original and strung with .011’s into an Ibanez tubescreamer which has been modified with a 4558 chip and all carbon comp resistors. I use a Fender Deluxe Reverb amplifier which was gutted and all the resistors were replaced with NOS allen bradley carbon comps. I play the real blues like my main man Stevie Ray Vaughan, in fact I have one of his guitar picks which I wear around my neck for mojo. I am currently engaged to an african-american woman from Arkansas and our experiences together (such as people whispering about us and the dirty looks we get at dinner) form the basis for my blues.

I need a bass player and a drummer to back me up in the studio and maybe for some gigs too. The bass player needs to have a Fender bass built BEFORE 1965 with no ceramic tone caps ( I will have my tech at auditions to open up and check) must use all tube amplifiers pre-1980, with an 8×10 cabinet and own transportation. The drummist needs to be familiar with all the various blues beats like the shuffle, the flat tire, the shug, the funky dunk, and the whap-a-dang. Please, no Sonar or Pearl kits!

I have written an album;s worth of songs “The Blues Are Falling Down On Me” “Cold Blue Rain” “I Got The Blues For My Baby” “Bluesman Blues”. And need a back up band to help record it.

When applying for either position, please send a detailed description of your equipment (with photos) along with photos of yourself in gig clothing. After receiving that, I will call you to arrange an audition.

I got my mojo woiking and I hope yours is too!

Oliver Stone joins rebel hostage rescue team

Director Oliver Stone is in Colombia as part of a mission to retrieve hostages held by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, or FARC.

“The FARC really needs a lot of help,” he said in an interview with AP. “Their wardrobe and make-up is ghastly, totally unbelievable for an organization like this.” When asked if the writers’ strike had any play in his intervention Mr. Stone replied, “Absolutely. They need better writers. There are no jokes in their delivery, no physical comedy and nowhere in their run has a pie ever been thrown.”

A representative for Mr. Stone who wishes to remain anonymous confirmed that Jerry Seinfeld and David Letterman were in negotiations to be on the writing team. “They need to keep their plots within 30 minutes including commercials so we can get some TV time on the networks for their cause and reach a wider audience.”

Unconfirmed reports from reliable sources say Dustin Diamond, “Skreech” from Saved By The Bell, is currently doing screen tests to play the rebel leader. “He brings a cozy warm hearted front to the FARC that they desperately need”, the source said.

Music producer Conrad Askland has already started scoring for the project. “We’re doing the whole soundtrack on a $200 Casio keyboard using the auto-chord feature”, he said. “We want this project to be realistic, lo-fi and in your face. To add the to realism, all the music will be recorded in black and white”, he said from his recording studio while sitting suggestively next to a lava lamp.

“They have 30 seconds to give me a plot pitch,” said Stone while sitting with Askland drinking hot cocoa using only the miniature marshmallows with lava lamp nearby. “And it better be good.”

A Musician’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the venue,
Not a creature was stirring, as I read the dessert menu,
The decorations were hung on the stage with care,
In hopes that the band members would soon be there!

My date and I had just been royally fed,
While visions of a good time danced in our heads,
And I in my dancing duds and the girl I just met,
Had just settled in to watch a four hour set!

When out in a parking lot, there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter,
Away to the door I flew like a flash,
To see a drummer and bassist, completely smashed!

They were unloading the equipment in the new-fallen snow,
From the van, which had traveled all the way from Fargo,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the rest of the drunken band, all swilling beers!

With a little old manager, so angry and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Nasty Nick,
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
And he bitched, and shouted, and called them all names!

“Now, DRUMMER! now, BASSIST! now KEYBORDS! and TRUMPET!
On GUITARIST! on SAX! on TROMBONE! and VOCALIST!
To the top of the loading ramp!  To the top of the wall!
Get the equipment inside before you all fall!”,

And then, in a twinkling, I heard at the door,
The slipping and sliding as they fell to the floor,
As I gave them a hand and was turning around,
I had to wonder at how they might sound!

The lead singer was dressed in leather, from his head to his feet,
And his clothes looked very slept in, not at all neat,
A bundle of microphones he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack!

His eyes – how they twinkled!  I was becoming quite wary,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry,
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
As he took another swig from his bottle of Old Crow!

He was staggering around as the band tuned up, way off key,
I laughed when I saw him, in spite of me,
With a wink of his eye and a flick of his hand,
The group blasted into a tune by some obscure band!

He sang not a word, but went straight to his mic,
Hoping he had picked a song the audience would like,
Then STOPPED the music just as it was getting noisy,
And announced “We’re in the wrong club, we’re supposed to be in Boise!”

They jumped back in their van, amidst jeers and whistles,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle,
But I heard them exclaim, ere they drove out of sight,
“HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!”

Dae Jun – McDonald’s Superstar

After conducting a show I stopped by McDonald’s and got my meal wrapped in the coolest Mickey D bag. One side featured Mr. Dae Jun of South Korea – a university student, orchestra cellist and “McDonald’s crew and Global Casting Star”.

So this is a shout out to Dae Jun. The top photo featuring our official Dae Jun McDonald’s bag shows Joe Bischel (left – principle cellist for the Seattle Philharmonic) and Sharon Sparling (right – also cellist with the Seattle Phil and a regular in my pit orchestras). Our official prop mistress holding the bag is Rebecca Wright (middle), my first call bass clarinet, oboe and bari sax player.

Below is a high quality scan of my official Dae Jun McDonald’s bag, complete with french fry stains. Don’t doubt for a minute that I bring you the highest quality news reports from around the world folks.

To my fashion friendly friends in LA:  please note the dual hairstyles on the bag. That’s right. ONE bag – TWO  hairstyles. How can you just not totally love McDonald’s?.

Smashing Guitars

I had posted a YouTube video of a banned Mastercard commercial where a kid smashes a guitar. (Click Here for YouTube Video). Just for the record, I did in fact once have a comedian in the recording studio who did a video taping of himself smashing a brand new electric guitar just for the fun of it. He bought the guitar (I think it was a Made in Mexico Fender Strat electric) and took it right out to the parking lot to smash.

He almost broke his hand. Those guitars are very solid. I don’t know how they do it for stage dramatics, but in the real world don’t try it if you care about keeping your hands.

It looks cool when Garth Brooks does it on stage with acoustic guitars – anyone have any info on the prep they do for that? After the comedian made about fifteen jabs into the cement, and still didn’t get the explosive effect he wanted – concensus was it was kind of lame and he wasted his money.

Have a good guitar smashing story?

Guitar Hero on South Park

 

The talk of the town is the latest South Park episode that parodies the video game Guitar Hero. This South Park episode is called “Guitar Queer-o” and can be viewed at http://www.southparkzone.com/episodes/1113/Guitar-Queer-o.html

Videos of the SP Guitar Hero episode were posted to YouTube but taken down because of complaints by ViaCom.

I have some family members that play Guitar Hero and are REALLY into it. Guitar Hero is a video game with a guitar like controller that has buttons you push in time with the video. The videos have the original songs from hit rock bands playing. The more in time you hit the buttons with the track the more the audience screams and you become a ROCK STAR.

Of course when I watched this played the first thing I thought was “Why don’t they learn to play a real guitar?” And that’s part of what this SP episode parodies. Playing real guitar is for old people. Guitar Hero is where it’s at.

Check out the South Park episode, it’s about the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.