Words and Music by Conrad Askland (ASCAP). “I Like Chocolate” © 2007 Conrad Askland.

I ascribe by the motto of “What was funny in third grade will always be funny.” This is MAYBE the silliest song I’ve ever written, and I’ve written a LOT of very silly songs.

I almost never write a song “just to write a song.” There’s always a reason for a song when I write it. I’m very utilitarian, or practical, in that way. “I Like Chocolate” was written for a very specific reason: to make third-graders laugh. And here’s the story all about that…

Back in 2007, a youth theater group had licensed the play version of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” but they really wanted to do the musical. So they asked me to write music to turn the straight play into a musical. I did that and almost fully scored the entire show by writing music to the words of Roald Dahl’s original text and also adding underscore music for all the different rooms in the Chocolate Factory. I was a little naive at the time and didn’t realize that all of this is technically illegal. So unfortunately I have all these wonderful songs that I wrote and recorded to Roald Dahl’s text, but I can’t release any of it. (I’m very sad about that because I think the music themes I wrote for each of those wretched characters in the story is really fun and entertaining).

BUT, I also wrote a pre-show song for that performance of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and that song is, you guessed it, “I Love Chocolate”. There were school shows with primarily grade school children (grades 3-5 in the United States). This song was meant to get the kids settled into the theater before the show and give them a good giggle together before the show began.

To my absolute delight, by the time the second verse came in, all the kids were singing along and then yelled the obvious missing rhyme of “underwear” and the theater house broke out into an uproar of laughter. That was a great memory for me and one of the reasons I actually love this song so much. Yes, it’s silly. But I will never forget the beauty of hearing 400 school children all laughing together in the theater.

They say that the human voice is the most beautiful sound of all. The sound of children laughing may be the most beautiful and uplifting of all…

LYRICS

I like chocolate
Yes I do
Even though it kind of
Looks like poo
I like chocolate
everywhere
But I do not like it in my
Ooh-whee-ee-hee
hoo-hoo-hoo
Ooh-whee-ee-hee
hoo-hoo-hoo

Click image for full size resolution

Cast photo from Charlie and the Chocolate factory presented by META Performing Arts at the Lincoln Theater in May 2007, Mount Vernon, WA.

SONGS IN MP3 – LISTEN

• AUGUSTUS GLOOP – Lyrics by Roald Dahl, Music by Conrad Askland
• VIOLET BEAUREGARDE – Lyrics by Roald Dahl, Music by Conrad Askland
• VERUCA SALT – Lyrics by Roald Dahl, Music by Conrad Askland
• MIKE TEAVEE – Lyrics by Roald Dahl, Music by Conrad Askland
• I LIKE CHOCOLATE – Lyrics and Music by Conrad Askland (My best 50’s doo wop parody)
• CANDY DANCERS – (Soundtrack only)
• INVENTION ROOM DANCE
• YACHT SONG TRACK ONLY (To Rossini’s Barber of Seville)
• Trumpet Fanfare FX
• Oompa Loompa Intro (My best Ed Sullivan impersonation)
• Oompa Loompa Segue

AUGUSTUS GLOOP

“Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop!
The great big greedy nincompoop!

How long could we allow this beast
To gorge and guzzle, feed and feast
On everything he wanted to?
Great Scott! It simply wouldn’t do!

Chorus

He’s so unutterably vile,
So greedy, foul, and infantile
‘Come on!’ we cried, ‘The time is ripe
To send him shooting up the pipe!

Chorus

But don’t, dear children, be alarmed;
Augustus Gloop will not be harmed,
Although, of course, we must admit
He will be altered quite a bit.
He’ll be quite changed from what he’s been,
When he goes through the fudge machine:
Slowly, the wheels go round and round,
The cogs begin to grind and pound;

Chorus

This greedy brute, this louse’s ear,
Is loved by people everywhere!
For who could hate or bear a grudge
Against a luscious bit of fudge?”

Chorus

Great big greedy, great big greedy
Nin-com……………………. POOP!
**********************

VIOLET BEAUREGARDE

Violet Beauregarde, Violet Beauregarde

“Dear friends, we surely all agree
There’s almost nothing worse to see
Than some repulsive little bum
Who’s always chewing chewing gum.
(It’s very near as bad as those
Who sit around and pick the nose).
So please believe us when we say
That chewing gum will never pay;

Violet Beauregarde, Violet Beauregarde

She chewed while bathing in the tub,
She chewed while dancing at her club,
She chewed in church and on the bus;
It really was quite ludicrous!
And when she couldn’t find her gum,
She’d chew up the linoleum,
For years and years she chewed away,
Consuming fifty packs a day,

Violet Beauregarde, Violet Beauregarde

Her brain now hurts from chewing gum
Miss Violet’s becoming dumb
Might spent her life shut up in some
Disgusting sanatorium.
And that is why we’ll try so hard
To save Miss Violet Beauregard
From suffering an chewing fate.
She’s still quite young. It’s not too late,

Provided she survives the cure.
We hope she does. We can’t be sure.

Violet Beauregarde, Violet Beauregarde
Violet Beauregarde, Violet Beau-Beau-Beau-Beauregarde

***********************************

VERUCA SALT

Down goes Veruca down the drain
(Down goes Veruca down the drain) 2x

“Veruca Salt, the little brute,
Has just gone down the garbage chute,
To see the thing completely through,
We’ve polished off her parents, too.

(To see the thing completely through, – We’ve polished off her parents, too.)

And here, perhaps, we should explain
That she will meet, as she descends,
A rather different set of friends
To those that she has left behind–

(A fish head, for example, cut – This morning from a halibut.)

A bacon rind, some rancid lard,
A loaf of bread gone stale and hard,
A steak that nobody could chew,
An oyster from an oyster stew,

(Some liverwurst so old and gray – One smelled it from a mile away,)

CHORUS Down goes Veruca down the drain
(Down goes Veruca down the drain) 2x

For though she’s spoiled, and dreadfully so,
A girl can’t spoil herself, you know.
Who spoiled her, then? Ah, who indeed?
Who pandered to her every need?

(Who spoiled her, then? Ah, who indeed? – Who pandered to her every need?)

BRIDGE (Who turned her into such a brat?
Who are the culprits? Who did that?)
Alas you needn’t look so far
(To find out who the sinners are)

They are (and this is very sad)
Her loving parents, MUM and DAD.
And that is why we’re glad they fell
Into the garbage chute as well.

(And that is why we’re glad they fell – Into the garbage chute as well.)

Down goes Veruca down the drain (Down goes Veruca down the drain)2x

*****************************************************

MIKE TEAVEE

V1 – “The most important thing we’ve learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, NEVER let
Them near your television set–
Or better still, just don’t install
The idiotic thing at all.

V2 – In almost every house we’ve been,
We’ve watched them gaping at the screen.
They loll and slop and lounge about,
And stare until their eyes pop out.

V3 – They sit and stare and stare and sit
Until they’re hypnotised by it,
Until they’re absolutely drunk
With all the shocking ghastly junk.

Bridge – IT ROTS THE SENSES IN THE HEAD!
IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!
IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!
IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND
HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND
A FANTASY, A FAIRYLAND!
HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE!
HIS POWERS OF THINKING RUST AND FREEZE!

V4 – So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.

V5 – Then fill the shelves with lots of books,
Ignoring all the dirty looks,
The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,
And children hitting you with sticks–

End – P.S. Regarding Mike Teavee,
We very much regret that we
Shall simply have to wait and see
If we can get him back his height.
But if we can’t–it serves him right.”

***********************************

This is used for the end of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as lift. I always liked the movie “An American Werewolf in London” where they played “Bad Moon Rising” at the end. I wrote this piece to give that kind of feeling to the end of Charlie.

I LIKE CHOCOLATE – MP3

The Cast (In Order of Appearance)

Narrator One – Nathan Hamer
Narrator Two – Stephania Kay
Spy – Brittany Johnson
Chocolatier – Jacqueline Monroe
Factory Workers – Melissa Newbry, Hannah Levine, Kaylee Fontes

Paperboy – Jason Miller
Augustus Gloop – Bryan Gurney
Violet Beauregarde – Carly Stewart
Mrs. Beauregarde – Amanda McDaniels
Veruca Salt – Katie Arthur
Mr. Salt – Caimryan Mower
Mrs. Salt – Nicole Trepus
Peanut Worker – Jensen Weyand-Mains
Mike Teevee – Kevin Kay
Mr. Teevee – Wesley Eddings
Mrs. Teevee – Shayla Nawrocki
Grandpa Joe – Jerome Chandler
Grandma Josephine – Jo Jeffrey
Grandpa George – Vern Brown
Grandma Georgina – Stephanie Brink
Mr. Bucket – Paul VanSant
Mrs. Bucket – Susie Clark
Charlie Bucket – Cameron Frahm
Willy Wonka – Trey Hatch
Mrs. Gloop – Carolyn Travis

OOMPA LOOMPAS

Casey Grosso
Grace Han
Mathew Giles
Kam Hamilton
Brooke VanSant
Kiara Landi
Michael Giles
Sophie Stewart
Adele Clark
Blake Gurney
Zoe Whidden
Trevor Hansen
Olivia Pedroza

TEEN CHORUS

Jason Miller
Audrey Stewart
Eve Berrington
Emily Boudreau
Jasmine Zell
Helen Saley
Mary Witt
McKain Webb-Lakey
Jessica Pauley
Roy Blumenhagen
Tyler Johnson
Melissa Holden

CANDY DANCERS

Jacqueline Monroe
Brittany Johnson
Jensen Weyand-Mains
Hannah Levine
Melissa Newbry
Kaylee Fontes
Trevor Hansen
Olivia Pedroza

SQUIRRELS

Hannah Levine
Melissa Newbry
Kaylee Fontes
Jason Miller

Production and Technical Staff

Producer – Kate Kypuros
Asst Producer – Kristin Jensen
Director – Kate Kypuros
Asst. Director – Keira Grech
Vocal Director and Choreographer – Lynette McCormack
Chocolate Room Dance – Kayla Hill
Stage Manager – Suzann McLamb
Volunteer Coordinators – Lori Pedroza, Diane Giles
Original Music by Conrad Askland
Set Designer – Elizabeth Stam
Background Images – Brian Young
Costume Director – Kathy Gildnes
Graphics Design – Kristin Jensen
Props Mistress – Annie Bratun
Lighting Designer – Don Wilcuts
Sound Design by Superior Audio
Sound Effects by Conrad Askland
Lighting Operator – Don Willcuts
Sound Operation – Kyle Blevins
Power Point Operation – Paul Thelan

Fri-Sun May 11-13
Fri-Sun May 18-20
Fri/Sat Shows at 7pm
Sunday shows at 2pm

Presented by META Performing Arts. This is a well-cast show with very strong lead and supporting actors. A great family entertainment show that combines actors and actresses of all ages.

Come up with your own rap under thirty seconds that flows in beat to the groove you have on CD. I’ll compile these into a cast compilation song.

RAP IDEAS:

• What is it you like about chocolate?
• What is it you hate about chocolate?
• What happens if you eat too much chocolate?
• What happens if you don’t eat enough chocolate?
• How does chocolate make the world better?
• What would happen if everyone ate chocolate every day?
• What is the best chocolate?
• What can you use chocolate for?
• What would happen if there were no chocolate?

The English social services there actually reviewed whether he should be taken out of the home. They ruled today that he can stay, which is a good thing for him as it sounds like the food is pretty good.

Gosh darn it all, his mother tries to feed him fruits and vegatables but “he just spits them out.”

Hey, this is the REAL AUGUSTUS GLOOP! Read the Augustus Gloop CNN Article.