Category: Jokes

Here’s yet another joke from Mumsy. Either her jokes are getting better, or my threshold for humor has been severely lowered.

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR. EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, “ESTHER, I’D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER.”

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, ” I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS.”

A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR. MORRIS SAID, “ESTHER, I’M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON’T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE.”ESTHER REPLIED, “MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS.”

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, “FOLKS, I’LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I’LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON’T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT’S 50 DOLLARS.”

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED — AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS. BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, “BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN’T. I’M IMPRESSED!”

MORRIS REPLIED, “WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS.”

Received this from my mother. Thought I’d post it for Mother’s Day.

Will I live to be 80?
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician
for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly
well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,
“Do you think I will live to be 80?”

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I don’t do drugs, either.”

> & gt; “Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?”

“I said, “No, I usually stay home and keep to myself”.

“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a hoot?

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Ok, here’s my pick for the all time worst Easter joke:

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
“What are you doing in there?” she asked.

The rabbit replied:
“This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?”,
to which the lady replied
“Yes.”
“Well,” the rabbit said,

“I’m westing.”

Happy Easter 2007!

APPLE CALLS IT QUITS AFTER FOUR DECADES
========================================
Computer Icon Goes Under But Brand Will Continue

San Francisco April 1st, 2017

In a surprise announcement by Apple Computer’s Board of Directors, Apple offices and warehouses will begin liquidation as part of its chapter eleven bankruptcy application. The Macintosh computer brand which briefly dominated the 1980’s and revolutionized the home computer industry will continue under a private labeling deal with Microsoft. The rival company has owned 12% of Apple since the year 2000.

Apple shares began a sharp decline after their cash cow products, the iPod and iPhone, lost traction to Verizon’s “Fug-Fone,” a cellular device pre-loaded with the combined catalogs of the three major record companies, as well as Yahoo, AOL and Microsoft with their $10 a month subscription services. “Loss of market share and the litigation by music publishing concerns has put us in an untenable position,” said the Board.

Apple will be holding close-outs of its12 remaining stores this weekend. Extra police will be on hand in response to Mac-loyalists who threatened to blockade and reside in the stores in protest.

Left over inventory will be donated to, AppleCares, a non-profit Foundation who will distribute the goods to underdeveloped nations in need of iPod accessories.

Apple’s CEO, Steve Jobs has been in seclusion and could not be reached for comment.

APRIL FOOLS!!!

Big Brother could be watching you at any time, especially at airports. With increased security you never know what might be caught on tape. Thermal imaging can make this a particularly sensitive issue. I might recommend you not eat or drink while watching this.

View Airport Thermal Imaging VideoÂ