An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman:Â Â Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer:Â Â Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman:Â Â Oh, I see.
Officer:Â Â Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer:Â Â Don’t have one?
Older Woman:Â Â Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer:Â Â I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman:Â Â I can’t do that.
Officer:Â Â Why not?
Older Woman:Â Â I stole this car.
Officer:Â Â Stole it?
Older Woman:Â Â Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer:Â Â You what?
Older Woman:Â Â His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2:Â Â Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman:Â Â Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2:Â Â One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman:Â Â Murdered the owner?
Officer 2:Â Â Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2:Â Â Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman:Â Â Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2:Â Â One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2:Â Â Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman:Â Â Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don’t Mess With Little Old Ladies
And, according to this reportedly true account, there is
good reason not to mess with little old men, either…
George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to
bed when his wife told him he’d left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but
saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He called the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and he said, “no”.
George was then told that all patrols were busy, and that
he should simply lock his door, and an officer would be
along when available. George said, “Okay”, hung up, counted to thirty, and called the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t
have to worrry about them, because I’ve just shot them.”
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response
Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillip’s residence
and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said to George: “I thought that you’d
said you shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
And last, but certainly not least,
“DON’T MESS WITH CHILDREN”…
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God…’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’
‘Yes,’ the class said.
‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’
A little fellow shouted,
‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’