Oliver Stone joins rebel hostage rescue team

Director Oliver Stone is in Colombia as part of a mission to retrieve hostages held by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, or FARC.

“The FARC really needs a lot of help,” he said in an interview with AP. “Their wardrobe and make-up is ghastly, totally unbelievable for an organization like this.” When asked if the writers’ strike had any play in his intervention Mr. Stone replied, “Absolutely. They need better writers. There are no jokes in their delivery, no physical comedy and nowhere in their run has a pie ever been thrown.”

A representative for Mr. Stone who wishes to remain anonymous confirmed that Jerry Seinfeld and David Letterman were in negotiations to be on the writing team. “They need to keep their plots within 30 minutes including commercials so we can get some TV time on the networks for their cause and reach a wider audience.”

Unconfirmed reports from reliable sources say Dustin Diamond, “Skreech” from Saved By The Bell, is currently doing screen tests to play the rebel leader. “He brings a cozy warm hearted front to the FARC that they desperately need”, the source said.

Music producer Conrad Askland has already started scoring for the project. “We’re doing the whole soundtrack on a $200 Casio keyboard using the auto-chord feature”, he said. “We want this project to be realistic, lo-fi and in your face. To add the to realism, all the music will be recorded in black and white”, he said from his recording studio while sitting suggestively next to a lava lamp.

“They have 30 seconds to give me a plot pitch,” said Stone while sitting with Askland drinking hot cocoa using only the miniature marshmallows with lava lamp nearby. “And it better be good.”