I Hate To Audition!


I thought this was a great capture of the audition experience. As an adult I haven’t had to audition too many times, usually I’m on the other side of the desk. But some of the auditions I’ve had were gut wrenching. I’ll have to post some day about my audition with Cirque Du Soleil. YIKES! Those French Canadians are very disarming.

I’ve worked with the writer, Suzann McLamb, in AIDA and SEUSSICAL. Also seen her in Lil Abner and the local bard company Shakespeare Northwest. She’s very talented and in her own words, the ultimate “theatre junkie”.

Which reminds me I need to post sometime about the rush of theatre performance. It is indeed intoxicating. See my previous post about AUDITION TIPS FOR A MUSICAL.

I Hate To Audition
by Suzann McLamb

I hate to audition and I’ll tell you why …

My throat seizes up and I feel like I’ll die.

My stomach performs a gymnastics routine.

Performance is flight, my auditions turn green.

The trembling begins in the sole of my foot

And shakes its way out of my head at the roots.

My vision gets wavy; my tunnel ears ring.

I open my mouth expecting to sing.

Instead of a lovely melody sound,

Comes the gravelly howl of a dog in the pound.

So, that didn’t go well. I’m crazy for staying!

It’s monologue time; Should’ve spent more time praying!

What was my first line and what is the next?

They’re knitting their eyebrows and looking perperplexed.

I speak but don’t hear words or know what I’m saying

Is it Shakespearean English or rambled delaying?

Help me! Help now! Help me get off the stage.

I feel like a mouse in the rock python’s cage.

My body’s constricting and I’m turning blue.

How I got up here, I haven’t a clue,

I’ll laugh when it comes ’round to cast party time

And I’ve danced in the limelight and aced all my lines.

But now I’m still here and they want a dry read.

It’s murder! It’s hopeless! I’ll never succeed!

The room spins again, I can’t see the fine text.

Please, oh please won’t you just holler out, “Next!”

A call back? You’re kidding! That’s such a surprise!

Past evil auditions … shy thespians thrive.

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